Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
What is This Strange Feeling? Fear? Hmmm...
Oh God Oh God Oh God!!! I've got that sinking, tingly, sickening feeling. I just looked online at uca.edu, and felt that old anxious feeling that made me run for the hills some three years ago. I don't know if it's nervous excitement about getting back into the old grind. I don't know if it's being scared to actually witness the grades I made (or lack thereof) that last fateful semester. I don't know if it's the realization that in six short months I will be a student again. I'm just kind of weirded out right now. I'll attempt to explain it.
I put myself out there as being stronger then strong, braver then brave, badder then bad, while in reality the prospect of going back to school to finish my degree and (let's admit it) leave my son during the day is terrifying to me. The anxiety I felt being in a classroom was debilitating. The feelings I experienced during that last spring of 05' semester were horrible. I just gave up and let both work stresses and school stresses break my body down. I spent the entire semester in and out of the Dr's office being threatened with hospital stay if I didn't take some time off for myself. That final semester my body gave up just before my psyche. I couldn't handle everything in front of me. I vowed that with the summer before me, I would take stock in what was important and MAKE myself think about what was best for me. I was amid a great debate with my inner self trying to decide if I needed a break from the same old thing. Should I leave school for awhile and focus more on work? Was the stress of my job at Lowe's worth more to my future then school was? What to do what to do? I figured I had a full summer to dedicate to this struggle…..then came the extra little line on the pregnancy test.
A clearer sign of change, there never has been! I wasn't sure that I ever wanted to be a mother but that extra line proved to my heart the answer. No longer was the choice about me and my health alone. It was about my health for the little extra being in my body. I had to take stock in what was most important for my future and the future generation within. I decided that dropping work was not an option, for they paid my way in life as well as insurance. I had to sacrifice something and that would be school. I could always come back to school.
I've come to realize that taking that action was very similar to putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It hasn't really helped much to put on pause one of my biggest fears. Now I'm at the point of slowly (over six months) pulling the band aid off of that college wound.
I try to find solace in the fact that my experience will not be the same as it was before. This time, I will not be working 40+ hours a week, coming in at 10:30-11:00 at night only to stay up until 3:00 in the morning writing. I plan on only taking a few classes at a time to insure that I can dedicate ample time to my son, my school, and myself. I'm hoping that this time, I can make it. I can keep my anxious little demons at bay. I'm hoping by taking classes through one of my favorite teachers, it will help that band aid come off in a positive way instead of taking little bits of flesh with it.
I put myself out there as being stronger then strong, braver then brave, badder then bad, while in reality the prospect of going back to school to finish my degree and (let's admit it) leave my son during the day is terrifying to me. The anxiety I felt being in a classroom was debilitating. The feelings I experienced during that last spring of 05' semester were horrible. I just gave up and let both work stresses and school stresses break my body down. I spent the entire semester in and out of the Dr's office being threatened with hospital stay if I didn't take some time off for myself. That final semester my body gave up just before my psyche. I couldn't handle everything in front of me. I vowed that with the summer before me, I would take stock in what was important and MAKE myself think about what was best for me. I was amid a great debate with my inner self trying to decide if I needed a break from the same old thing. Should I leave school for awhile and focus more on work? Was the stress of my job at Lowe's worth more to my future then school was? What to do what to do? I figured I had a full summer to dedicate to this struggle…..then came the extra little line on the pregnancy test.
A clearer sign of change, there never has been! I wasn't sure that I ever wanted to be a mother but that extra line proved to my heart the answer. No longer was the choice about me and my health alone. It was about my health for the little extra being in my body. I had to take stock in what was most important for my future and the future generation within. I decided that dropping work was not an option, for they paid my way in life as well as insurance. I had to sacrifice something and that would be school. I could always come back to school.
I've come to realize that taking that action was very similar to putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It hasn't really helped much to put on pause one of my biggest fears. Now I'm at the point of slowly (over six months) pulling the band aid off of that college wound.
I try to find solace in the fact that my experience will not be the same as it was before. This time, I will not be working 40+ hours a week, coming in at 10:30-11:00 at night only to stay up until 3:00 in the morning writing. I plan on only taking a few classes at a time to insure that I can dedicate ample time to my son, my school, and myself. I'm hoping that this time, I can make it. I can keep my anxious little demons at bay. I'm hoping by taking classes through one of my favorite teachers, it will help that band aid come off in a positive way instead of taking little bits of flesh with it.
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