Fiber One Cereal Bars Should Come With A Warning Label

I decided the other day that since it’s the beginning of a new year, it should be the beginning of a new me. In the last eighteen months, I’ve concentrated too much on school work and not enough on me, in effect turning any muscle tone I may have had into pudding. (Oh, and I’ve also eaten pudding. Lots and lots of pudding.) In making the decision to pursue a healthier lifestyle, I chose to forgo my morning trip to McDonald’s and instead head to Wal-mart to purchase some quick and healthy snacks for breakfast.

Upon arrival, I was inundated with heavenly aromas wafting from the bakery along with delicious smells of fried chicken promises. My will power never faltered. Once I’ve made the decision to change, nothing can get in my way. I ignored the beautifully glistening donuts beckoning from behind their glass door prison. I stuck my nose up at the Little Debbie snack food aisle as if I had never known the passion shared between me and a Swiss Cake Roll. I kept trudging along until I made it to the breakfast aisle.

Box after box of brightly wrapped and packaged cereal standing like straight back soldiers, staring at me, judging me, watching me make my new healthy decision. I turned my back on them to focus my attention on the cereal bars. Some promised antioxidants while others claimed to give you superhuman strength. There were chocolate, caramel, strawberry, blueberry and cinnamon choices for as far as the eye could see and I wanted to pick the very best for me.

My eyes came to rest on a simple tan box with a picture of caramel wrapped awesomeness shimmering up at me. Fiber One caramel breakfast bars looked amazing and after a quick scan of the ingredients, I was on my way. I made my purchase and walked to my car with my head held high, feeling proud that I had taken the first step towards a new and healthy lifestyle.

I got in my car and started making my way to school, unwrapping a tasty bar and reveling in the fact that it actually tasted good. It had a slight crunch accompanied with the sweet chew of caramel. I had been expecting something along the lines of sweetened cardboard and I was surprised to find the experience was quite the opposite. I finished off my little breakfast with a bottle of Diet Coke. (I know, I know but one thing at a time here people!) I was feeling proud of myself as I walked into the Writing Center ready to face a new day.

My tutoring sessions flew by as did my first class of the day without incident. I was sitting in my second and, thankfully, last class when a slow heat started engulfing my body, seeming to spread from the epicenter located in my abdomen. A low rumble of boiling trouble cried out into the semi-silent classroom. I was sure everyone around me would look up and notice my distress but the deafening sound seemed to be amplified to my ears alone. I’ve never been a religious person but, at that moment, I silently began reacquainting myself with Gods present and past.

A dangerous pressure was building in the pit of my stomach causing a sweat to break out on my forehead. Had the temperature in the room just risen by ten degrees or was it just me? Stealing a glance at a classmate who was still blissfully, comfortably, easily taking notes, I knew that my own digestive distress was the culprit.

Finally, class came to a close and as soon as I felt it was safe to stand up, the pain dissipated. The cold sweat that had so forcefully gripped my soul was gone as soon as I shifted myself into a standing position. The queasy feeling hadn’t left completely however. It was if the pain in my stomach had left me a “Be Back Soon” note lining my intestines. I wasn’t willing to take chances with this sort of pain so I headed home taking time to tell my Writing Center director that I would be missing our weekly meeting.

I didn’t have any other issues as I made my way back home and even in the confines of my own house, the pressure and pain seemed to have disappeared. It was the most unlikely thing. I considered venturing out for groceries but the very real fear of a new episode in a public place seemed too risky. I hung around the house until time to pick my son up from daycare. Again, there was no incident or issue of any kind but I didn’t feel the need to push my luck.

Day passed into night and our household was at the edge of a deep slumber. Thor was snuggling warmly beside me in the bed as I surfed the night away on my laptop. Brian had called it a night and was pulling back the covers to join us when the horrifying rumble and sweat erupted from my core. I knew the time had come for me to pay for the Fiber One cereal bars.

At this, I will spare you the details of what went down in that bathroom. Some things should be left between me, the four untalking walls and the many Gods that I prayed to, begging them to make it stop. After seemingly unbearable pain and a purging of both my bowels and my soul, I emerged with a new found respect and a slight fear of the Fiber One brand. Those guys aren’t joking around. I do think their name is rather unassuming and should be changed immediately. How about:

Fiery Fiber from Hell Bars
Or
Gurgling Gastric Pain in Granola Form

Don’t get me wrong, the bars are delicious and promise a new healthier you but don’t take their unassuming appearance for granted. They have the ability to produce the pain that nightmares are built upon. They will make a heathen pray, the most pious curse the Gods, or the manliest of men run crying to their mamas. Eat them at your own risk but know that they are much like the sirens of old. They are beautiful and delicious, a seductress of the worst kind. They will lure you in with nibbles of chocolate, bites of sweet berries and the decadent chew of caramel but will send you crashing down into a cramping digestive death wondering how you were tricked into such a state.

Who am I and what is this all about?

Welcome to my first blog. Seeing as I’ve never written one before but have read several, I’m going assume that I should use the first blog to explain what it is you might find in this thing. I’ll start with telling you a little about myself.

I am a mom who, on a daily basis, cannot believe she is a mom. My son, Thor, will be four in February and it still feels unreal. I mean, shouldn’t there be some sort of class you’re required to take before you’re allowed to breed? I’m still flabbergasted with the fact that I never had to sign anything before egg and sperm met that faithful day/afternoon/evening (who can remember these things?). After nine months of womb rental, out squirted a real-live, screaming, squirming, eating and pooping human blob that the hospital trusted me to take home and raise. I’ve kept him alive this long which is in and of itself amazing, seeing as I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever touched. (Thankfully the hospital didn’t know my track record in the botany world, though I’m not sure it would have mattered.)

I am a wife who, on a daily basis, is assured that her husband is totally insane. Brian forever shocks those around with various perversions and absurdities that pour from his lips. We met while working for a home improvement warehouse. On my second day of employment, my co-worker asked me if I had been introduced to Brian yet. I had met so many people that I couldn’t remember. My co-worker let me know that if I’d met him, I would know. She warned me that he was disgusting and that I shouldn’t take anything he said seriously. I knew instantly that this was the man for me. We’ve been married for seven years now and whenever I have new friends over for dinner, I find myself warning them in much the same way that my co-worker did all those years ago.

I guess the first part of this blog covered the Life and Love aspects of the title…what’s left? OH YES! POOP! I will start by saying that I am forever in the headspace of a 13-year-old boy. I love fart jokes, talking graphically about bodily functions and giving WAY too much information about any number of topics. I’ll talk about my son’s poop, my poop, your poop, the poop I saw in the yard before I walked to my front door. (I’m convinced there is a squirrel bestowing gifty-pellets as some sort of homage to my awesomeness or there is a tiny hobo living in the man hole leaving gifty-pellets for the same reason. Either way, I’ve got tiny piles of crap in my front yard and they are fair game for discussion)

So this has been a rather lengthy description of what you’re in for as you delve into this crazy blog about Life, Love and Poop. I’m not going to make any promises to update daily, weekly or even monthly. I’ll just do the best I can with the things that happen around me. If you think about it, life, love and poop are things that happen EVERY day so I should have plenty of material to work with.

I’ve known few great men in my life. Of those few, most are in my immediate family. That being said, I’m currently losing one of the greats as I type these letters.

Grains

He’s a worn hourglass, cracked, the last of the moments caught in sand, spilling through my frantic fingers.

Maybe if I wet the sand with my tears, I can hold onto them with more ease, mold them into new lungs, a new heart, anything to keep him here.

Each tiny moment, so precious, so fleeting. I’ll collect every one that I can and store them as my own grains in the hourglass within.

I’ll hoard them like a secret stash of wealth that no one can touch.

They are mine to store, mine to cherish, mine to adore